Being a perfectionist comes with many struggles. One of them being the constant self questioning of any aspect of his or her life being “good enough.”
The definition of perfectionism
(no, this is not the beginning of a bad toast)
I headed over to good ol’ Wikipedia (why not, right?) to check out the definition of perfectionism and it is described as a psychological disorder….
“Perfectionists strain compulsively and unceasingly toward unobtainable goals, and measure their self-worth by productivity and accomplishment.[4] Pressuring oneself to achieve unrealistic goals inevitably sets the person up for disappointment. Perfectionists tend to be harsh critics of themselves when they fail to meet their standards.”
Yikes. Eerily similar to what goes on in my brain on a daily basis.
The end of the intro paragraph hit me pretty hard:
When perfectionists do not reach their goals, they often fall into depression.
This has definitely happened to me.
An online dictionary definition for perfectionism doesn’t make it sound much better…
“A propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards.”
Sounds all too familiar…hmmm…
I set out on a post to pump myself (and you guys) up. To remind ourselves that “we are good enough!” but I am baffled by how closely this perfectionism thing is linked to my own personality. Oops.
Now I have all of these questions.
Could my “unrealistic goals” be the cause for many moments of unhappiness? A cause for periods of depression?
Possibly.
Thinking about it….
I notice this in relationships.
(My parents are super supportive now, by the way, but growing up I really did feel like I couldn’t do anything well enough….possibly due to my perfectionist tendencies though?)
I notice this in my new (temporary) role as house-wife. (House-girlfriend?)
I notice this in a sense of failure in my job search. (The search has now been going on a whole week-and-a-half.)
I notice this in my attempt at even beginning an article (with guaranteed pay) for another blog because I‘m simply too scared to pick a topic that isn’t just right.
I notice this lately in blogging. If it’s not one area of the blog…it’s another. From the amount of pageviews I receive, the number of social media followers I obsess over, the (lack of) money I make blogging, and those posts that receive no comments…it’s always something.
Never mind the wonderful opportunities I have been blessed with through blogging (such as getting to work with Justin’s company or meeting uh-MAZING friends), my personality type tends to focus on the negative. Even when I improve, it’s like I always need to do better.
Never Enough
And for some reason, no matter how many times I edit, re-edit, and fix a post, it is never good enough.
I don’t want to go fishing for there to be something “wrong” with me, but I don’t want to ignore it if it can be fixed.
But how can it be fixed? Through positive pep-talks? Exercise? Through inspirational reading? Being with loved ones?
Maybe. Sometimes those methods work.
Maybe I Need a Professional
I can’t help but wonder now if I should be working on these things with a professional. I mean that article was just too dead on…and psychological disorders are no joke. And it sure seemed to help Heather who has written a few truly beautiful posts since seeking help from a professional.
I’ve seen a counselor before in my adult life (twice–meaning two sessions) and a therapist (thrice) but honestly I never felt like they cared about me as a person. The last session I had with the therapist, whom I had put a good amount of time into selecting, ended on a rather sour note and was incredibly frustrating. I never rescheduled with either of these women and they NEVER contacted me to see if I was okay.
Something about that disturbed me…I mean what if I had done something drastic? Right?
The truth is, I have a hard time believing anything or anyone can rewire the way our brain works (aside from medication…and that stuff scares me). I just don’t get it. I mean I feel like I have all of the information I need to feel better or to change my outlook, so why do I slip into those depressions?
Why can’t I just talk myself out of feeling bad?
Can’t I just put a smile on my face and have a good day?
All I gotta do is look in the mirror and tell myself “I love you,” right?
Why do I need someone else to tell me what I already know?
Faith may Help
There’s also the thought that I just need to pray. I just need to pray and read my bible and it will all get better. I mean this has worked before and it is definitely stressed in the Christian community…sometimes to a flaw.
I’m not saying that God can’t help. Obviously if I believe in a creator who made me and everything in existence, I better believe that He is big enough to do anything. Especially fix my silly little problems.
But, sometimes there’s something deeper. Sometimes it’s not about positive thinking. Or putting a smile on your face. Or turning to your faith. Sometimes ya just need a little more help…right? Something to think about.
Oops
Aaand what was supposed to be a motivational, uplifting post has turned into a downer. Dangit. Dare I post something this depressing? Will all of my followers leave me?? Gah! This stuff is never-ending! Especially since this was the second anxiety-ridden post this week!
Maybe this will help save the day?
Maybe I just need to sit on the couch with a bowl of delicious cereal + nuts + chocolate and watch You’ve Got Mail (again).
Yep, that’s it. Problem solved. Have a lovely evening folks.
What do you think? Is this just a normal ramble from a writer plagued with procrastination/writer’s block?
Or maybe I’ve just been trapped alone in my apartment for too long?
Do I just need to pick myself up and write the dang article? Yeah that’s probably it.
(updated to remove personal details and names)
