Kitchen Therapy

So today is Thursday, which in case you didn’t know, is a day for Thinking Out Loud. Let’s have some coffee with pumpkin fluff and chat, shall we?

I’ve been struggling a bit lately with personal stuff and on one particularly rough night, I typed out a bit of prose in my phone. I was thinking about how much I love recipe creation and how it makes everything feel better. It gives me purpose when I feel like my life is less than.

I have been debating on actually sharing it…and I’m taking the plunge and sharing it today.

I suppose it’s not different than some other posts found on this blog, but for some reason I find it hard to share this one. But I’m doing it.

Why?

Maybe someone else can relate. Maybe someone else feels like they are slowly drowning in their life with nowhere else to go. Maybe you can relate to getting the side-eye when you tell someone you don’t work a typical 9-5 job and you’re kind of sick of explaining yourself. You aren’t alone friend!

And I want to point out…I’m okay. I’m just a gal going through life and experiencing ups and downs. It’s kind of funny (okay it’s sweet, too) when I post something not positive and everyone gets concerned. I’m pretty sure we all get sad sometimes and it’s okay to talk about it, right? We don’t have to pretend we have it all together.

So, here goes!

Pumpkin Fluff in my Coffee + Kitchen Therapy

When you feel like life is swallowing you whole and you can barely breathe but you put cream, sugar and spices into a bowl and mix and magic happens..it all seems a little more bearable.

It makes sense. You’ve created something.

You transformed simple ingredients into something edible. Something fluffy and smooth and decadent that you can spoon into adorable mini pie crusts or into steaming coffee.

You beam with pride and wonder because…science is cool. Even if you did fail your last chemistry class in the college you didn’t finish. If only they would use whipped cream to teach in school!

And then there’s the photography. You arrange your prized creation. You fuss over it.

The light, the angle, the camera lens. You’ve been reading and learning about this photography thing and now is your moment! Now is the time for your obsession to pay off!

You hide the little spill of coffee on the freshly laundered white sheet below your food (whose idea was that anyways…oh yeah…mine.). Tell your cat to get off the table you are photographing on. But she’s a cat so she just looks at you with disdain.

You create a crazy diffuser for the harsh light that’s now coming through the window even though moments ago it was perfectly cloudy and amazing light coming through. The diffuser consisting of printer paper and tape because real filters cost money and it’s been a rough few months and you haven’t two nickels to scrape together. You tape it to the window.

Ignore the voice in your head that tells you this is the work of a crazy person. Instead giggle and pick up your camera. Also ignore the cat who is giving you more weird looks.

You make a mental note to tell your dad sorry for stealing all of his printer paper. Because you live at home even though you are 28 years old. But you try to forget that fact because the whipped topping is melting into your coffee and you need to get the shot.

The shot. The perfectly composed image that looks almost effortless. Like the ones you drool over in your photography books or Pinterest or on the amazingly talented bloggers you endlessly stalk.

The one shot from the dozens you snap as quickly as possible because the whipped cream is disappearing into the warmth of the drink and your camera battery is flashing red.

You grin like a goofball because despite everything…you’re actually pulling this off.

It’s a happy place. For the few moments spent in creation mode, it’s happy. You feel alive. Even the battling with the photo editor that you still don’t really know how to use but you pretend that you do but really you’re terrified of ruining all your hard work by editing the images to death.

Would you believe I thought I had totally ruined the burrito bowl photos? I was at war with them for close to an hour and called it quits so I could just finally put the post up so I could head to work.

I went back later to promote it on Instagram and realized…holy crap that looks amazing.

Perfectionism is a blessing and a curse when it comes to creative projects. Unlike any other task, there is no definable end. You could keep tweaking and altering and re-doing and re-wording until the proverbial cows come home. I’m never quite satisfied with anything I create. I’m finding I have to find a stopping point and just call it good. Can anyone else relate?

At least I enjoy the work, right? At least I’m doing battle in my happy place. Against the odds that gnaw at me and make me feel like I’m sinking lower and lower into despair. I can breathe and grin and strategize and make it work. For a moment I can quiet the voice asking me what I’m doing with my life.

I’m creating something. Something I can share and something that can be enjoyed. I’m grounded and accomplished. My life has purpose. If only for a moment.

I want to be in that happy place more often. I’m working on it and I appreciate you joining me on this journey.