This past semester in the teaching program was rough. Like really rough. I mean this past year has been crazy with wedding planning, but it finally got to a point where I needed to get real with myself and figure out how to not feel like a nervous wreck constantly. I needed to focus on my mental health.

Some Things Damaging My Mental Health This Semester:

Wedding aftermath.

I thought it was all over after we packed our tired selves into the car at the end of the night, but if I can be a totally privileged diva for a minute–over the next couple of months, we also had to:

-figure out what to do with all the crazy wedding decorations. Boxes and boxes of it.

-figure out which gifts we really needed and which ones we could take back (or give away).

-figure out a place for said gifts.

-write a million thank you notes while also badgering my husband to do his share. (<-we finally finished a couple of weeks ago. ha!)

-stress out over why so-and-so didn’t get us a gift. Do they not like us?? Why did they even come??

-go through 1000+ wedding photos picking our favorites.

-I also took it upon myself to print out photos, frame them and put them in various places around the house like a good wife. (<-just kidding. I know I don’t need to be a good wife, but I did kind of feel an obligation to showcase our wedding if that makes any sense.)

The practicum of all practicums.

Aside from dealing with the aftermath of the wedding, I started the most intense practicum (kind of like pre-student teaching) yet. I don’t want you to think that I’m being dramatic, so to compare this practicum with other programs, we had to write and execute 12 lesson plans whereas other programs only require 4. If you only count that part of the requirements, we had 3 times the work. It. was. rough. There was a lot of crying and stress. My peers and I agree that it very much felt like they were trying to eliminate the teaching students who weren’t ready for it by piling on a ton of work and expectations.

Officer quitting.

On top of that, we had an officer from the student organization of which I’m the president quit very suddenly and unexpectedly. I felt personally responsible as if I could have prevented it somehow. I felt like a failure for not being able to keep the organization together. This also resulted in gossiping within the organization and more stress put upon myself to keep the vibe positive.

A funeral.

Then, my sweet grandma passed away. She had cancer, so we knew it was happening eventually, but there is still never enough time. We had about a week where we knew it was coming soon and honestly that might have made it worse. I was able to say my goodbyes, but she wasn’t conscious. As with any death, it took an emotional toll. I tried to be strong for my family and as a result I tended to fall apart when I got home. It also didn’t help that I got into a bit of an e-mail fight with my practicum professors about taking time off for the funeral.

Some Things that Helped My Mental Health This Semester:

Cutting back at work.

I’m grateful to be in the position where I have two jobs and was able to take a couple of months off from one of them. I’m also grateful my boss is very flexible as most of the workers are student workers. I just couldn’t handle 6:30am start times with how emotionally drained I was constantly.

Family.

My grandma passing was tough not only because she was an amazing lady, but it was also the first death of a close relative I had experienced. I didn’t have the perspective that I eventually gained. I was wracked with guilt and regret and just the knowledge that I would never see her again. I am so happy she was able to make it to our wedding, though. Everyone kept reminding me that she had so much fun and felt so beautiful at the wedding. Funerals are tough, but it was good connecting with family whom we only see once a year.

Counseling.

I had started counseling at school in October as they offer free sessions to students. Honestly it has helped me so much with re-framing my thoughts. I was having serious issues with relationships and a feeling of paranoia (for lack of a better word) that would keep me up at night. It also helped me get through some very stressful family issues involving the wedding. It’s nice to know that I have an appointment where I can talk about whatever is bothering me. I know I will be listened to, validated for my feelings, AND learn new coping techniques or ways to think about my problems. I highly recommend it.

Friends at school.

They say that making friends in college has a lot to do with whether or not you stick it out. I am so grateful for the awesome people I work with in my club as well as in the teaching program. I really don’t know where I would be without their support. After working through some issues in counseling, I’ve been able to make more friends and feel less self conscious which has helped even more.

Being social.

This kind of has to do with friends at school, but at the beginning of the year I set a goal to say “yes” to as many invitations as I could. I have this thing where when I’m anxious, I just want to stay at home and “get stuff done.” While that’s all fine and dandy and a clean house is nice–that tends to result in me not even having opportunities to hang out with people. After declining offers to get together so many times, people tend to stop asking which is understandable. I wanted to prove to myself that I am able to be social and still keep my life together. Sometimes it does involve last minute homework, but I am really learning a more healthy balance between relationships and my to do list.

Exercise, sleep and eating well.

These are the basics of taking care of oneself, but most college students (and most workers) put this on the back burner in order to accomplish what they think needs to be done.

I didn’t always get a good amount of sleep (especially during practicum when I was up at all hours of the night perfecting lesson plans), but the goal is there. I know I can’t go more than 2 nights in a row with little sleep otherwise I’m a grumpy monster.

I also try to workout 3-4 times per week–even if it’s just going for a walk. Endorphins are a real thing and they can give you a little boost of happiness.

For me, eating well means maintaining a balance. I can’t deny myself my peanut butter toast every morning. Or sprinkles on my birthday (er week).

Practicing gratitude and positive thoughts.

It really takes practice to remember what I’m grateful for. Often I feel anxious about things or guilty about the things I have, but my counselor has reminded me that being grateful can counter some of these negative thoughts AND change my mood.

Gratitude practices:

-I changed the background on my laptop to rotate through positive quotes.

-Snapchatting good things helps make the little things feel like big things.

-Saying “thank you” to people not only helps my feelings towards them, but helps boost their mood as well.

Getting medicated.

My counselor had been hinting that medication might help for months before I agreed to make an appointment with the school Psychiatrist (<-hard word to spell). She said that it was evident I was improving with counseling, but she could sense that something wasn’t clicking.

Anxiety and depression run in the family. I knew it made sense that it might benefit me to get some chemicals leveled out in my brain. The fear of side effects, dependency and really the unknown held me back for a long time.

Finally in April, I decided that enough was enough and I just wanted to feel better. I started taking the generic version of Zoloft and I have already noticed a difference. I still have my feelings and emotions, but they don’t take over. I am also able to deal with them more effectively due to the work I’ve done in counseling. It’s like a breath of fresh air. I can hardly understand why I would get so upset over some things now.

My mental health is worth it.

I think the big message here is that it’s worth it to take care of yourself. I feel so much better–it’s hard to really explain. My problems aren’t gone, but they are more manageable when my anxiety isn’t taking over my brain.

I wanted to write this post not only to reflect over the past few months, but also to share with others. If you feel like something needs to change in your life, please make that first step. It’s very humbling asking for help and sometimes it takes awhile to see a change, but it is SO worth it.